Monday, 28 October 2013
My very last post regarding my late brother was written in May. He died on September 18th 2012.
May was a very dark time for me. I had just finished university and I was left with all of this free time to play scenarios in my head over and over again. I became so acquainted with my feelings that I spend most of my time in bed, crying and watching Parks and Rec to keep myself busy. May 15th was my brother's 20th birthday and it really wasn't easy.
I don't really walk on the street anymore and see a guy that reminds me of my brother or somehow think I see my brother. I suppose I have accepted that he is now gone and that I won't see him again.
I do miss his presence, his laughter, our intellectually stimulating conversations, his outbursts while playing Fifa 12 because someone scored another goal. My brother was one of the many lights of my life but he was truly unique and unforgettable.
I am saddened to say though that I feel like he's quickly becoming a distant memory. I'm only remembering fragments of our childhood and just some bits of his later teen life. Perhaps I have a bad memory? Or perhaps everything I have remembered is being pushed into the back of my head because thinking about it all was just so painful.
I still miss him. I still get sad. I still get moments where I want him to just come back. I still envy people who have that brother and sister bond that I used to have with my brother. However, I don't feel the hopelessness anymore. I feel like me and the rest of my family can still live on and continue to live a fulfilling and wonderful life.
The love he gave and the things we have talked about and said continues to bring me a whole lot of comfort. It encourages and motivates me to carry on and to do well and to live life like he couldn't.