Wednesday, 17 October 2012

A Long Month Without My Brother

It's almost one month since my younger brother passed away, he was 19.

It's been a very tough month for me, my remaining siblings, as well as my parents.

What made this tough month a little bit more bearable, was the outpour of support we got from the Sudanese community, family and friends. People have been very good to us and many continue being good to us. The favours people are doing for us, the nice offers of this and that, sacrificing their entire days and even weekends to spend time with us... I appreciate it all.

Everyday I think of him and everyday I touch his clothes and hold it close to me, I really miss him. I've been trying to distract myself as much as possible by carrying on as normal, but life will never be normal and it will never be the same.

The thought that he is gone never escapes my mind. My smiles and laughter cover up how I truly feel inside. Distracting myself is the only way I can put my mind at peace for that little while.

It's a known cliche that people always speak positively of the deceased but my brother was a wonderful person. He never harboured any resentment towards people.

I've been that typical older sister who's shown him a lot of tough love, but he continued to respect and care for me. He was quiet, kept to himself but had a big heart for the people he loved. He was overly generous, with time and resources. He was also very easy to please. His birthdays were simple and he was happy with that. He never had a new mobile phone either; he was more than happy to get a handset which could call and text. He was never into the whole smartphone craze.

My brother was never demanding and never, ever asked for much.

When I went to the U.S. last year, the only thing he asked for was candy and FIFA 2012, which he really enjoyed playing. He was a huge football fan!

He tinkered a lot with our old computer, played online games and he loved the PlayStation 3 so much. He was also very intelligent; he achieved wonderful A level results and was very good at debating.

He spend a lot of time with a relative from South Sudan and his Dinka improved in matter of weeks! He was able to speak it to my parents and other relatives. He was a very proud Dinka man and definitely wanted to go back someday. My brother was very hopeful of South Sudan and had many dreams and wishes for our country.

My brother was also a joker. He was very mischievous! He would make jokes to annoy me to no end. He always had play fights with my baby brother and my younger cousins too. He was just this wonderful spark in our lives.

I am so glad I was able to have this wonderful person as my brother. I just wish I had much more time with him than I was given.

And although we had our ups and downs, I always told him I valued him very much because of his  kindness and innocence. I really didn't deserve to have him as my brother.

Many people he went to school and work with, can only say good things about him. His death has reminded me that life is precious and fragile. It's unpredictable. Everything has been planned for us.

As time goes by, I may be able to accept his passing a little bit more, but the pain won't ever go away. I miss him greatly, but I'm glad he was able to touch everyone with the way he was.

Me, my brother and my dad